Ownership

I have said it before, and I have to say it again.  It is not easy.  In this (or my) case, it is not easy to admit your own faults and mistakes to God, to your loved ones, and even to yourself.  This mistake is not like when I double-booked a lunch “date” with friends or when I overslept when I had a six o’clock appointment.  It is a matter of compromising my values and integrity.

These past few weeks I have been very intentional about confessing and reflecting on a mistake–something I knew should not have been done but I somehow convinced myself it was okay.  This process has taught me so much.  I never thought that processing my mistake would take me where I am at now, and I believe I am not even at my destination yet.  God has more to reveal to me.

Usually when we make a mistake or sin, one of the first things we feel after the act is done is shame and guilt.  For me, I had a lot of emotions flowing at once so it was quite messy to break it down but shame was definitely in the mix.  There was also sadness, disappointment, confusion, and I have to admit there was even enjoyment.  I acknowledge all of these emotions because each emotion is important to the process of healing and moving on.  When I was moving past from feeling shame and guilt, a friend reminded me of this wonderful truth:

“My prayer is that you are able to walk alongside God with this and not feel any guilt or shame but walk freely, knowing WHO YOU ARE as God’s child. As children of God, we do not walk with shame and guilt. That is not who we were made to be and God does not want that for us. What, then, would be the purpose of the death of Jesus? Wouldn’t it all be in vain? Jesus already paid of all of our sin on the cross, so if we ever feel guilty, we need to bring it back to the cross, right where it was already paid for. God has the power to redeem and restore us, therefore I do not doubt or lose hope. Lisa, I share this with you because I know you feel shame and guilt, but Jesus does not want you to be chained down to them anymore. It may take time until you are really released from it, but I know you are well on your way there.”

What struck me the most was the fact that I was reminded that I am a child of God–His daughter.  Honestly, I forgot about that because I was so consumed with the shame and guilt.  That, my friend, is satan’s goal.  However, if we call God our Father, Christ our Savior, and believe that the Holy Spirit is alive in us, then we must never forget our identity as children of God.  I hope that this encouragement and prayer from my friend gives you hope and a reminder of who you are, regardless if you are carrying any shame or not.

I am so glad I can say that I am no longer carrying any shame or guilt.  I also do not feel any confusion; however, I think I will always feel some shade of self disappointment and enjoyment about this particular situation.

When I confessed this mistake to people that I care about, I was sad that I will disappointment them.  Even though they may have been disappointed in the circumstance and my decision, their overflowing love, kindness, acceptance, and grace comforted me so much.  There was not an ounce of judgement that came my way.  I am so grateful for encouraging and loving individuals who still love me.   That, my friend, is God’s love being displayed in others.  It took me a while to finally confess to God even though I knew He knew the situation so much better than I did.  There is still importance and value to confessing my sin to Him though.  It was a big step into my ownership of my mistake and sin.  It was a big step into this journey with God.  Oh my, it has been so time-consuming and quite challenging yet so beautiful.

I realized that I would put myself at the same level as God–how could I?  I realized that I am not near to God’s level.  As I took steps onto this journey, God first showed me that I am not the great person others think that I am or even the great person I think I am.  He was not degrading me at all because that is not what He does, but He first showed me of my skewed perception of Him.  God is far greater than we think He is.  I am so grateful for this because it broke my images that I have tried to live up to because of what others have said about me and it forced me to accept who I am: someone who needs God.  It is one thing to know that we need God, but it is another to actually believe and allow God to give us what we need.

It is one thing to know that we need God, but it is another to actually believe and allow God to give us what we need.

This mistake is not something I am not too proud of because it has caused a lot of confusion and hurt, but it has derailed me to see so much love (from others and God) and has given me a new perspective and rewarding journey with God.

It is quite difficult for us to admit our wrongs.  It may be our pride, ego, selfishness, etc.  Whatever it is, it does not feel good to admit a fault.  Our stomach churns and we will stumble on our words and feel faint until we say it aloud.  Regardless of these very uncomfortable feelings, I have found that it is quite lovely and satisfying to take ownership of our faults.  So far, it has made me accept myself so much more and lean into God’s embrace so much deeper.

If you go to my About page on this blog, you will read the purpose of this blog:

My blog, Always a Daughter of God,  is a result of my passion and enjoyment to encourage you, and even myself.  So, lets taste, love, and encourage together.  Most importantly, I hope that you will join me to keep seeking what it means to be a child of God and to run after the heart of God, no matter what our circumstances are in life.

This process that I decided to partake on with God has given me a wider glimpse of what it means to be a child of God…and I just made that connection as I was writing this blog post.  (Ah, I love it when I type and God reveals something cool to me!!)  I learned that being a child of God does not mean I need to be all put together but that I can depend on my Creator to show me why He put me together and to put me back together.  I knew this with my head knowledge, but this time it sunk in deep in my heart.

This blog post is not meant to bring any light on me about how “good” I am because I think I explained why I am not above.  I pray and hope that this is a message and encouragement to you that no matter what mistake or sin you have done you are still worthy in the eyes of the Lord and that He still loves you despite anything that you have done wrong.  He does not condemn you nor judge you because He is pouring His love and grace over you.  You can accept His invitation to go on a journey and to encounter the beauty of His work being done in you.  It will not be easy but you are never alone because He is there…and I am here.  I understand some things, and if I do not, then I will try to.   The beautiful thing is that I do not have to completely understand to be here for you.  Do not hesitate to send me a message or prayer request on my blog.  I am open for those anytime!

The beautiful thing is that I do not have to completely understand to be here for you.

My friend, thank you for reading this blog post.  I was quite hesitate to even share this online, but I had to turn down my own doubt and negative thoughts because the Holy Spirit’s prompting is always so strong and compelling that I had to share!  I trust in His good work in me and that is what we must do.  Trust.  I know that I am encouraging and challenging you to do a lot of things that are not easy to do but we were never called to live an easy life.  We are called to live a life with God.

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