In these nineteen years of life so far, I believe I can say that I have gone through a lot then I should have. I am not saying that my story has greater worth than others or that others have not gone through difficult situations. As much of the pain, loss, and trauma that we want to deny that we have experienced, we have felt them and it is real. I want to share and digest this small piece of my complicated mess and how God is working in me this summer.
I have faced loss, rejection, and abandonment. All of these have been traumatic for me to this day. I have a hard time living in what happened to me and my family. Even though I believe that God is the One True God and my Father, it became hard for me to believe that He is good because of my pain and hurt from my past. How could He allow those things to happen? Why am I still hurting from it? Will He even heal me? I know that it sounds hypocritical for me to even ask these questions as a Christian but, it is these hard questions that run through my mind as I grieve from my past. I was afraid of how people–and mostly how God–will look at me if I asked those questions. However, when I did God did not love me any less than He did before. He did not get upset at me for asking these questions. He knew that I was just trying to cope and heal from everything that happened. He chooses to hug me a little tighter and make me see that He is a loving and good Father.
When difficult situations arise and we do not know why it occurs, one of the many things we do is blame God. I certainly have! However, as I asked God my hard questions, He reminded me of who my real enemy is.
“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy […]”
— John 10:10
I hate Satan. He has stolen from me, killed my peace, and attempt to destroy my family, and my hope and faith in God. I will probably never know the answer to these questions and why God allowed the hurtful and bad things to happen. I believe that God has used and will continue to use the hurt, the mess, and the brokenness in my life for good. How? I have no clue but, being able to look back this last decade I can see how faithful He has been in bringing me into my healing that I need, and that I can trust Him.
(One of the reasons that The Story of Joseph (Genesis 37-47) is my favorite Bible story is because it has the same theme as my story: using the bad for good. Go and check it out!)
I choose to trust God because God knows my pain and He deeply cares for me and my pain. He hurts with me. “On the cross, He willingly felt every sin, illness, and heartache. He did it for one reason: LOVE!” (Kim Niles and Grief Bites). God is a personal God. He truly cares about my heart, and when I come to the cross I have nothing to give except for my heart, hurt, pain, and brokenness. And God replies and says, “Lisa, that is all I need.”
As I give my heart to God, I asked Him to speak what is true to me. I asked Him to remove all lies Satan tried to convince me of so that I can clearly see who He is and that He IS a good, good Father to me. God hopes for no harm for me and wants me to abundantly enjoy the redeemed life that He
fought for died for.
Throughout this post, I have been describing my situation as a mess or broken because it is but, it is also a beautiful broken mess. I will never have it all together. I am no angel. I am a daughter who is going to choose to seek God and His heart through every circumstance that comes my way. I have a beautiful purpose in God’s grand story.
And so do you.